Never say "these 5 words" when apologizing after an affair! Psychologists remind: Your partner may become "increasingly angry the more you listen to them"
Have you ever seen a celebrity’s affair scandal in the media headlines and then claimed to have been forgiven by their spouse, and have you ever thought about whether such forgiveness is true or false? Such reports are common in society and film and television news, but what is the truth behind them? When an affair breaks out, most cheaters apologize to the victim. However, these apologies often have limited effect. What are the “apology words” we hear most often?
Don’t say “these 5 words” when apologizing after an affair! Psychologist reminds: The more you listen to the other person, the more angry you will become.
“I made a mistake. If you can’t bear it and want to leave, I have nothing to say. I will respect your decision.” Not only does this sentence fail to achieve the effect of an apology, it will make the injured person feel that the affair partner wants to leave. Abandoning yourself and wanting to go with a third party. “I’m sorry if you feel hurt.” This apology will not only make your partner feel insincere, but will also have side effects. The injured person will feel that the cheater does not truly understand his pain and does not sincerely repent.
Many people who have affairs will ask guiltily: “Then what can I do now?” The injured person will often say angrily: “It’s useless what you do now.” Most of the people who have affairs will then reply: “What can I do if I do nothing?” It’s useless, so there’s nothing I can do about it." “Rather than seeing you in so much pain, it’s better to separate.” On the surface, such apology words seem to be for the sake of the injured and want to make the injured feel better, but they will make the injured feel uncomfortable. The person who is having an affair “doesn’t want to try at all,” tries to push themselves away, and usually gets angrier.
“It has happened, and there is nothing I can do about it.” This kind of statement will only make the injured person feel powerless, unable to feel the guilt of the affair partner, and want to heal their own pain. “I’ve already apologized. Don’t mention it again. If you do, I’ll leave.” This sentence sounds like an apology, but it’s actually a threat to the injured person. “If you say it again, don’t blame me for leaving.” It will make the injured feel even more aggrieved.
It is a taboo to hide “emotional words” in your apology words! Don’t keep talking about “ifs” and “buts”
From the “apology words” above, we can notice that there are words hidden in these words that can arouse emotions. If you want to receive the “apology effect”, it is best to avoid language that will make the injured person feel uncomfortable. David Glasgow, a professor at New York University, found in a study that the reason why an apology is perceived as insincere and false is because the apologizer uses the two common words “if” and “but”.
He gave a common example: “If you were so excited that you didn’t realize I was joking, I’m sorry.” Such an “if” apology sentence pattern will make the other party feel questioned and accused. Naturally, Ineffective. In addition, the “but” sentence pattern in the apology process will give the other party the impression of “rationalizing their behavior” or “evading responsibility”. For example, saying: “I’m sorry for messing up the relationship, but I didn’t mean it.” “, this sentence will not only make the injured person feel that it is not sincere, but also seems to predict in advance that he will do it again in the future. The more he apologizes, the more uneasy the other person will be.
Apologizing for an affair starts with admitting your mistake! Psychologist: Remember the “4 R’s” principle
To make an apology effective, Professor Glasgow provided the “Four R’s of Apology Rules”. I found that this set of rules is very suitable for apologizing after an affair, and it is worth learning by those who have had an affair.
The first “R” is Recognition, clearly recognizing and admitting one’s mistakes.
The second “R” is Responsibility. Accept the harm caused by your own mistakes and take responsibility for them without any “proviso”.
The third “R” is Remorse. Show regret for your actions, but it doesn’t need to be too dramatic, just moderate and heartfelt.
The fourth “R” is Redress, taking practical actions to correct and make up for the damage caused by one’s own mistakes.
Therefore, an “effective apology” does not end with saying “I’m sorry” or “I’m very sorry.” It must empathize with the person’s feelings and use specific actions to show responsibility, regret, and apology. Only then can the injured person receive sincerity. There are also some cheaters who will constantly emphasize: “I love you very much”, thinking that this will make the injured person feel relieved. In fact, this sentence will arouse resentment and make the injured person feel conflicted: “Love me very much” but “hurt me seriously” , how to believe that the love of an affair is true love.
At this time, the way to make amends is: “Because my affair has caused you so much physical and mental pain, I know that nothing I do now may be able to relieve your pain immediately. I want to do something, and you can tell me. What can you do to make you feel better? “For an apology to be effective, the focus should be on the feelings of the injured person, rather than the subjective judgment of the person who had the affair. Also, the apology after the affair needs to be continued. When the injured person enters the painful mood again, When the situation arises, you might as well apologize again so that the injured person can gain the power of release from each apology.
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